this hole i've dug is mine forever

why am i watching nancy grace?fiftteen year old girls murdering nine year old girls. moms selling their five year old daughters. do people really watch this at their leisure?

swiss cheese and mixed fruit chutney on pumpkin bread.
zip up hoodys.
season finale of mad men.
rum raisin ice cream and chocolate pound cake.  fudge from the batesville store. 

parks and recreation is a seriously hilarious addition to my night.  i sit on the couch and let the baby fall asleep in my arms because i can not take any time out of my life to put her down while that show is on. 
i might even like it better than 40 rock.  poehler vs fey? that is a super sexy thought.

i quit facebook one angry sunday afternoon b/c i felt like it gave me a false sense of community and i was having a pity party about not having any friends in town.  what a poor sport! all it takes to get back on is to log back in.  so it is just willpower keeping me from going back?  why isnt willpower keeping me from watching sandra bullock movies on the oxygen channel late at night?
i am feeding three kittens, they found their way to our up high front porch and i decided they needed to eat.  a month later and they have filled out and lie on top of each other at night on the chair i put out there for them.  they wait by the door every morning for maya and i to come out and feed them but they still hiss at me as i pass by.  they havent swiped at my ankle yet.  cats are so weird.

section II question 1: pass more socialism  
what the hell does that even mean.  like a kudney stone?

i just read this:

www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding

it is really fascinating.
that is all.

new procedures dictate that i contact my help desk to order a ticket to have a case opened so that a case manager can contact me regarding my maternity leave.  it used to be that i could just call my own HR rep and correspond via email re: paperworks and such, but no longer i suppose.  i suspect this efficient system is the reason why i was mysteriously changed to be taxed as a single instead of a married, which is fine come tax time b/c i get a nice chunk of change for the variance.  and so, i called the help desk and spoke with a representative who ordered a ticket to have the case opened. and yes, an email just arrived!

Good morning Mr. Williams, 

My name is Deedlydoot and I am an HRA with the Firm. I am also your case manager for any present or future Military leave you will have. So please send me a copy of your orders when you get a chance.

end transmission!!
sorry son, i don't have orders from HQ yet.  i had to get ALL CAPS on his ass, but only when specifying that MATERNITY was the case that they gave me.  i did not point out that i was not a MR but if that cant be determined then all hope is lost and there is no point in continuing.

we are coming along with the baby space, it has been pretty fun putting it together.  the second bedroom has been a craft space/office space for a while now, and so the craft area got demoted to the closet which brian turned into a desk with cubbies.  its pretty awesome.  when i finally organize it i will take pictures.  the bedroom also has two doors in one corner, one door that leads to the attic and another that leads outside.  the outside door has been closed in from the outside and turned into a tall outdoor shelving area which currently houses all of our shoes.  it looks nicer than it sounds.  this gave it a lot of insulation and now the room is not frigid and freezing anymore.  or is less so. the corner looks weird with two doors so i have hung up some felt panels with some tree patterned curtains and that will be where i will place a chair.  next is a dresser that will be tall enough for changing butts.  i ordered a rug from overstock.com, some kind of tan wool thing with "aztec" designs on it.  the walls and trim will be painted white and white panel curtains with green leaves will eventually be hung. 

this is kindof a useless post.  mostly i dont want my 2009 to be referenced back to with an angry fist shake at the world re: francis bacon passing.  i will fill up the air space with my babbling.  we took angus for a walk yesterday through campus and ran into brians ecomod professor and his two children.  angus loved up on them with his usual enthusiasm which is nice and sad, sad b/c frank would bristle at the sight of young children which made us glad we have a dog that doesnt do that anymore which then sends us off into another sad spiral of sadness and then nice b/c hey, our friends with kids can come by now.  (im looking at you, bungle)

my hips ache every morning, despite the pillow between the legs method of alleviating pregnancy pains.  i have pelvis pain which i know is normal but i am pretty sure i suffered pelvic trauma with the last delivery b/c my pelvis has been sore to the touch since 2007.  i was not able to carry out a lot of swan dives and rocking that one did on their belly, pilates moves that i did fairly easily before the birth.  maybe i need to get adjusted. maybe i do, milhouse.

jesus fucking christ 2009, really? did you really need to fuck with me on the first day?

tonight my dearest frances bacon frannie cakes frangelica frankenfurter. my little walrus. your sweet sweet ears, i will miss you very much. thank you for being such a sweet old dog. i hope you have your pick of groundhogs in valhalla.

dear groundhog, i am sorry you had to die today.  i know our huge overflowing compost box is temptation and my small meager garden boasting its tender seedlings is hard to resist, i understand.  i have seen you rub your face in my potted thyme and i liked to imagine, watching you take it in your clawed black hands against your face,  that you took a sprig home with you to freshen up your system of holes and tunnels under my back porch.  you knew that we had dogs and yet you braved our yard, running out just in time through the little burrow under the fence behind the compost bin that dripped delicious rotten vegetable juices.  if i had seen you out there today i would not have let the dogs outside to chase you and uncomfortably deliver you to your great reward.  you must know that angus just likes to chase but frank is a proven killer, somehow that oakland bloodlust never went away no matter how many cookies i tried to soften his soul with.  and i tried, i really did, to get him to put you down.  please know that i ran out there in my socks and did not think once about the poop littering the wooded backyard where you were finally brought down.  i broke the broom waving it around and thrashing it on the ground, yelling franks name and other unpleasantries unbecoming a woman in my state.  i saw you hold on as best you could to franks mouth and for a moment i thought you had him worried but his jaws are strong and you had to give up.  i am glad i bullied him enough to get him to drop you so that you could take your last few breaths in peace.  as you rolled on to your side and placed your head on the fallen leaves i was overcome with sadness.  i left you alone.  when i came back out a short time later, composed and hoping you had loped away on your own to some groundhog hospital out there in the woods staffed by foxes and box turtles and deer, i found you glassy eyed with flies already enjoying the sweetness of your mouth.  i had to double bag you,  but used great care, please believe me.  i washed off the bloody shovel so that the water trickled into the roots of the honeysuckle bush, right across from the potted thyme.  sleep well.

i remember sitting in front of the tv on a saturday morning and watching this video. was it 1988? I think this video came out in 1982? so many questions. i still really get into it.

brian is sitting next to me writing out checks for various bills when he picks up his head and says

today is haile selassies birthday 

and of course i have to check because, really, who the hell is this man sitting next to me with a brain filled with the most fascinating tidbits of rage and factoids? obviously i am doomed for dementia b/c i dont think i use nearly 1/8th of my brain for much beyond internet perusings of dumb fashion blogs for perpetually bow-legged pigeon toed ladies while i sit here in the same pair of "yoga pants".

so have you seen this?

part one



part two



part three





i am sick, laid out on the couch, and this is the best thing ever.

my dreams have been really vivid and unusual lately, and i think i am going to try and record them here for a little while. i know there is nothing more boring than hearing about someone else's dreams so i apologize.

thursday evening: had a dream that i was bedridden. janet jackson came into my room and we were talking about this and that, she and i got to talking about things we liked to do but could not do any more and she said "oh but there is something i still like to do" and gave me a mischievous smile. then she lifted up my bedsheets and got under them, and the rest is obviously what you think it is. after she was done she came up from the sheets all nonchalant, and brian came into the room and knew but really didnt mind/care. then the next scene is all of us at some donut shop, i am no longer an invalid and janet is now a lighter skinned version of herself. the dream ended. i told my sister this and after much laughter the only thing she wanted to know if this was janet jackson now, or janet jackson "rhythm nation". truthfully she was more like a rhythm nation/lisa bonet style janet. i dont know that i will ever hear the end of this one.

friday evening: im not in this dream, im just watching a movie that i happen to be inside of. this takes place in 16th century england maybe? i know there are villages and some kind of monarchy. these men are investigating a murder of a woman, and are walking around speaking ridiculous ye olde' english style. my experience doesnt go further than colonial williamsburg bush gardens i guess. so these men are just walking around speaking in hushed tones, and pulling up to this house and that little hut and whatever. i guess its kindof braveheartish too, in scenery. whatever. i realize that people are not on horseback but instead driving around in beatup hondas and tercels, early 80's style. there is a brief understanding that allegiances are based on the type of car you are driving, and that this might be a terrible romeo and juliet style of remake movie. i am not impressed and decide to wake up.

brian joined facebook on a whim, some kind of caffeine deficient decision he made this morning before going to work. i know it had to be some altered state shortsighted act b/c he updated his profile with his phone number, both home and cell, plus our address. i just made him take it down (the info, not his facebook). i kindof hate facebook. am i being crotchety and old? is there a good reason to join every social networking site? my mom is on facebook. my turkish cousins that i havent seen in over 20 years are on facebook. i dont really want to be found. am i a paranoid shut-in? i know i tend towards anti social behavior, should i shake these shackles and join? or continue being grumpy?

this pretty bird was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.




so basically i will never walk downstairs in bare feet again.

this happened today. the locations is the top of my street, turn left and down two houses. i was napping at 3pm today. so i guess i have to keep my doors locked now?

http://www.charlottesvillenewsplex.tv/news/headlines/19058434.html

i need to learn how to fire a weapon. but locking doors would be a good first step.

it is like this

http://www.sweetsalty.com/sweetsalty/2008/4/29/double-vision.html

and i find liferafts here:

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/

in case you know anyone that needs community or comfort.

i am changing my primary care provider not based on actual interaction but because when i called and they put me on hold, the hold music was cmn country music. and then i looked him up online and he was young and chubby. i am a BIASED ASSHOLE. i changed my fancy insurance plan to an HMO (that only pays 50% of limited fertility treatment costs) just so that i could see doctors at a hospital other than UVA hospital b/c i am biased against them too. even though they might have saved my life i never want to go back there again. i see it out of my window every day, the 8th floor where i started and the 5th floor ST-ICU where i vacationed. i pass by it almost every time i leave my house. please dont hate me country music fans.